I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
