Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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