Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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