After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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