Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
