dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
