I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
