My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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