My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
