Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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