Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
not ubering you a puppy
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