If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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