1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
