the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
