If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
