Need sex. Gaining weight.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Of course I have a pirate flag
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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