If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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