i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
