i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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