:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
