fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
