Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
