I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
