totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
