Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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