well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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