Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
