it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
