I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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