thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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