im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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