hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
