god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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