Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
