Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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