Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
