I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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