Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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