i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
