My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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