I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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