jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
