dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
