Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
