Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
