i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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