I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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