haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
