Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
