Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
