His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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