Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Pants 0. Shit 1.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
