go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
