there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
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He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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