I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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