I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
