peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
